It has come to my attention that certain special people didn't quite get the creativity in my last post.  So, for anyone else who needs a little guidance, take note:

I have a new Xanga.  Follow THIS LINK (CLICK ON THESE WORDS) to my NEW XANGA.  Thank you.

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Currently Listening Sing the Sorrow By A.F.I. The Leaving Song Pt. 2 see related

*squirm*  I'm running away... You can find me *here* if you want to....

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My darling Joshua is going to disappear for 5 days.  It's sad, really.  I shall miss him dearly... .  It's okay though, I've got my ear stretching to keep me busy!

Oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday...  I'm 17 now.  It feels the same as 16, though.

...:*:./\.:*:.\/.:*:./\.:*:.\/.:*:./\.:*:...

I've been having this reoccuring nightmarish-dream thingy.  I'm so glad Mom woke me up when she did this morning because the dream was getting really... disturbing.  The dream always has this dead guy in it.  He isn't like the kind of zombies you see in the movies, you know, brain-dead and scooping the noodles out of your skull; however he is kind of greenish, slobbery and rude.  He's always telling me that I "must tell them," although sometimes it sounds like "him" instead of "them."  I have no idea what this means...? 

 So in this dream we're in my grandparent's house but no one else is home.  Then some people knock on the door, people that I know.  They want to come inside but I won't let them because, duh, there's a dead guy in there.  Once I finally get them to go away it feels as though some time passes, perhaps an hour or so.  Then I'm lying on the living room floor when Kikken walks by.  He looks terrified.  He's all shivery and shaky and walking strangly.  Then I see his hind legs:  The fur has been striped off, along with the skin and muscle.  They're oozing with a thick, disgusting liquid. 

Horrified, I turn around and there's the dead guy, staring at me, mouth dripping with saliva. 

Currently Listening Watch Out! By Alexisonfire Side Walk When She Walks see related

I hate myself so much.  The only thing that made me feel better for more than 5 minutes.... And now I'm too much of a god damn pussy.  FUCK!  *cries*  I want to do these things so badly.  I should have just kept it in.  Sucked it up.  I HATEhateHATE ME.  You should hate me too. 

But I've got this great theory.  I think that maybe...this is possible, you know... perhaps if I shaved all of my hair off...  That wonderful thing would happen when someone is ugly, but then they change themselves in a manner which makes them even more ugly, unbearably ugly even; and so then this new, horrible ugliness is so profound that the someone is no longer considered repulsive but actually tolerable.  Pretty even.  Maybe more than pretty.  You know what I mean??  Because, you know, if you think of words in the right sense opposites are placed seperately but still next to each other.  It is deffinetly possible to cross over this imaginary line and become something you never thought you could be.  Something great.  Something new.  Some thing beautiful.

*squirm*  Just a thought.  I would appreciate comments.  Anyway, back to mindlessness. 

I need to stop being such a bum and get a job.  I mean, it's not like I have anything better to do.  I might as well spend my lonely time making money so that in 10 months I can LEAVE.  Bye bye.  Disappear into the thinnest air that you can't imagine. 

I think there's a ghost in my house. 

At around 7 am this morning, I heard a loud crash close by.  I sat up and even without my glasses I saw that the rats' cage had fallen.    I ran over and checked that no one was hurt or missing.  They were okay but terrified.  As I comforted them I noticed some strange things.  First of all, the cats (number 1 and 2 suspects) hadn't returned to investigate the damage they had caused.  In fact, they were no where to be found.  Second, the chair was pushed away from the desk where the cage sits.  And the strangest thing of all:  The cage landed sitting upright.  It was as though someone picked it up, pushed the chair back a couple feet and dropped the cage on the floor.  Weird.  Normally I would suggest that the cats were responsible but...  How and why would they move the chair back so far (they like to sit on it and watch the rats)?  If they had pushed it off the desk, they would do it slowly because the cage is pretty heavy and against the wall.  This would cause the cage to topple off the desk and land in a way which would hurt and/or release the rats.  Another interesting clue:  The rats' water bottle has a dent in the side facing outward, just above the black screw on lid. 

This last piece of evidence makes me think that the cats did in fact push the cage off slowly, perhaps from the nearby window sill until one of them could crawl behind it.  However, their plan was foiled.  I think the water bottle, which protrudes outward an inch or two, hit the chair, pushed it backwards and allowed the cage to land safely.  And the cats do have a motive.  They've been on a diet for the past week because they're practically obese.  Perhaps they had breakfast on their mind.

*shrugs*  Just a theory.  Hopefully it isn't a ghost though, it seems rather rude. 

Currently Listening Burning Bridges By Haste the Day Breaking My Own Heart see related

Yeah so I'm a really big loser.

Anyway, I went to school today to pick up/ change my schedule and update my address because I move more than a thing that moves a lot.  I got my envelope and checked the contents.  My schedule is all fucked up, so we're returning Friday to fix it since Mommy didn't want to wait in line.  Also, there was a letter from the publications teacher telling me that I didn't have my senior picture taken, even though they gave me plenty of time to do so.  Uh, yeah, I know.  Plus they mad it seem as though the world was ending.  It was actually kind of funny.  The best part of the letter:

"Anouncements were made, signs were hung, and reminders were sent to the students who didn't sign up for an appointment.  According to our records and those provided by Davor after the  photo sessions, your son/ daughter did not have his/ her photo taken.  This means that you son/ daughter will not be in the 2005 Pinnacle, will not have an official ID card, will not be in the local newspapers' senior issues and will not be in the school record system."

Perfect.  It's as though I don't even exsist.  That's the way I make it and that's the way it should have always been.

Haste the Day   "Breaking My Own Heart"

Left To My Ambitions I Find Myself Feeling
Short Of Breath And Losing Hope Again
 
When Will I Be Free
When Will I Feel Alive
I Am At My End And I Cant Breath
 
I Can't Breathe Everything I Do Is Useless
I Can't Do This On My Own Im Fading
Too Many Times I've Left In Silence
This Time I Won't Give Up So Soon
 
Crying Out For Some Relief
I Keep Breaking My Own Heart
Giving Up On My Resolve
I Keep Trying But I Keep Failing
This All Seems So Familiar
I Think We've Been Here Once Before
Saying Sorry Once Again
Saying Sorry Once Again